My Zachary

A few years ago I read this Dear Abby (see below)....It has come to my mind many times.

Almost 4 years ago Zack came and told us he's gay. We had him go to counseling, we had him talk to the Bishop, we asked him to try not to be. We had him read articles in the Ensign (Church magazine). We've made him go to church and go to Seminary. I got much advice from family and friends. What it all comes down to is this....He's our son....we love him. He did not die, he is not sick. Although it is not what I would of chose for him it's his choice. Early on a dear friend (who has so much life experience) pointed out to me that I could tie Zack in a chair and keep him away from all of his friends but the one thing I could NEVER do is change the way he feels....that is not my right. So this is what I choose....I choose to be a BIG part of my son's life. I choose to enjoy in his triumphs and be there with him through his trials and sorrows. So, if others choose to judge me or Zack...I have to say...I don't care. I want to be a part of my son's life, I want him to come to me and tell me things that are going on with him. I want him to share his thoughts and feelings with me. I may not always agree with his beliefs or always understand them but I'm okay with that....He's my Zack...I love him.


Dear Abby:
My husband and I raised our two sons and two daughters. One son and both daughters married well. Our other son, “Neil,” is gay. He and his partner, “Ron,” have been together 15 years, but Neil’s father and I never wanted to know Ron because we disapproved of their lifestyle.

When I was 74, my husband died, leaving me in ill health and nearly penniless. No longer able to live alone, I asked my married son and two daughters if I could “visit” each of them for four months a year. (I thought living out of a suitcase would be best for everyone.) All three turned me down.

When Neil and Ron heard what had happened, they invited me to live with them. They welcomed me into their home, and removed a wall between two rooms so I’d have a bedroom with a private bath and sitting room. They also include me in many of their plans. Since I moved in with them, I have traveled more than I have my whole life. They never mention that they are supporting me, or that I ignored them.

When old friends ask how it feels living with my gay son, I tell them I hope they’re lucky enough to have one who will take them in one day. Please continue urging your readers to accept their children as they are. My only regret is that I wasted 15 years. –Grateful Mom


Dear Grateful Mom:
You are fortunate to have such a loving, generous and forgiving son. Sexual orientation is not a measure of anyone’s humanity or worth. Thank you for pointing out how important it is that people respect each other for who they are, not what we would like them to be.You could have learned that lesson long ago, had you and your husband contacted Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) when you first learned that Neil was gay. Among other things, the organization offers support groups and education for parents who need to learn more about gender issues. The address is 1726 M St. N.W., Suite 400, Washington, D.C. 20036.

Merry Christmas

We're wishing our family and friends a very MERRY CHRISTMAS and a Happy New Year!

Jenny....we love you and miss you so much! Wish we were there!!!!

Oops

One night a couple weeks ago we were watching The Office. Aaron and I were on the sofa and Joe was playing on the floor in the area behind the sofa. You would think I would of learned by now that even though it appears kids are not listening...they really are. In this particular episode of The Office someone was advising Michael to only talk about things he knew something about.... to which he replied "Like boobs?" The someone then asked Michael "What do you know about boobs?" And this is when our seven year old son who was playing army men on the floor stood up and yelled out "THEY ARE BIG AND ROUND!! LIKE CIRCLES!!"

Lessons

Do you ever feel like you are supposed to be learning something but you just can't seem to "get" it? I do all the time....especially when the same trials keep following us around wherever we go. I hope someday I can look back and say "LESSON LEARNED" but for now it's not that way. Aaron's looking for a job....he's been out of work now for over 5 weeks...haven't wanted to say anything....it's embarrassing.....but we could use some prayers and good thoughts coming our way. We're both really starting to feel pretty freaked now......we were not really making it before and now.......well, let's just say I'm writing this post from work....no more internet at home....for now. I'm trying to feel faithful and hopeful. Maybe that's the Lesson I need the most....to learn to be faithful and hopeful....not my greatest strengths.....hmmmm....

Conversations

Me: Joe, you can not wear those socks! (We were getting ready to go to the library and he was wearing one Spiderman sock and one Lightening McQueen sock)

Joe: Why?

Me: They don't match at all! (One was grey, red and blue and the other White, black, yellow and red.....one long and one short)

Joe: No one will care what socks I'm wearing....it's not like they will see them and say "OOOHHHH you are wearing socks that don't match!! Now you have to go to jail!

Thankful

My Faith
My kids
My husband
My Sister...I miss you Jenny Wren....
My Dad and Mom
My extended family...love you guys!
My friends
My sweet doggies
A roof over my our heads
food in our cupboards
my job
good insurance
the drama department at the high school
weight watchers
a good book
the ymca
donut day
my sense of humor

and these are just a few of things I'm thankful for....

Who needs sleep?

ME!! That's who! I got home from work on Tuesday morning and I did sleep for about 4 hours and then I was just wide awake! Then Wed morning I got home so tired....there was Josh begging me to take him to Kearney (2 hours away) because North Star did not have room to take all the kids to the One Act Festival and some had to find their own way. So, because I thought I would be able to sleep in the van (Josh could drive) I agreed. HA HA....sleeping in a van while a 16 year old is driving is apparently not something I can do. Every time he changed lanes I was yelling out "WHAT HAPPENED!"....I'm not very easy going with the whole teenagers driving thing..... We got there and I was so glad I went. It was North Star's first time performing their One Act....remember...it's The Giver....oh I just love watching them. They are all so talented...especially my kids...hee hee....Zack is so wonderful as The Giver and Megan looks so official as one of the Elders. The rest of the kids do such an awesome job. Anyway, I didn't sleep on the way home either. I got about an hour and a half nap before I had to go back and work all night again. Needless to say....I was one tired mama when I got home on Thursday morning.....and I slept the day away!
North Star's One Act Festival is this Monday, all day. I'm not sure how many other schools will be performing but you should come if you can! It's great entertainment.

Feeling Cheered Up!

This is me...today....it was windy out!

Today I was ready to go to the gym at the same time Joe was ready to go to school. Joe looked at me and said "You are getting so skinny! You are almost as skinny as me!". Although he couldn't know it I just really needed to hear that today. Things here are stressful (as usual). I like to eat when I'm stressed. It helps to hear little tidbits of encouragement. I'm still plugging away with Weight Watchers. I really like it and it's working just great for me. I've lost 18.4 lbs now. I'm down to a size 12 jeans (and they fit great! Not too tight) which is 2 sizes down for me. At my skinniest time when we were living in Balmoral I was wearing a size 8 or a 10. So, I'm close. I've really struggled to get into a good groove with exercising. I've always really loved to exercise and it's strange to be losing this weight without it. But, I'm really gonna try harder to get to the gym. I don't do well running in the cold so I think I'll wait til Spring to run outside. I went to a class this morning...a weight lifting class and it was FUN! I just don't realize how much I love and miss it til I'm there enjoying it. It was nice to see myself in the mirror too and not be totally irritated with myself. I have lost weight...I do look better and I for sure feel better!

Love Struck

Josh has had a crush on Tori for quite a while....he finally convinced her to go out with him....they've been together now for 2 months. She's a beautiful person on the inside and out! He's one lucky boy! And I think they look very cute together.

The Boy is SEVEN!

Joe turned 7 years old on October 25th. I'm running a bit behind in my blogging....

For Joe's birthday we went to the zoo.....this is my "gangsta" boy.

Do to an unforseen car problem....Megan had to make the cake....I think she did an awesome job! It's just what Joe ordered...chocolate cake with strawberry frosting and sprinkles on top.

Joe's favorite gift? Homemade "claws" from big brother Matthew....

Conversations

The other morning I got off work and went straight home to pick up Joe for a dentist appointment. When he went out the front door he dropped his backpack on the front porch and started walking toward the van.

Me: Joe...get your backpack.

Joe: I'M NOT GOING TO SCHOOL!! I'M GOING TO THE DENTIST!!

Me: Yes, I know, but then you are going to school.

(He got his backpack and stomped to the van and threw it in and sat down with in a huff)

Me: Boy, why are you in such a bad mood?

Joe: I WAS BORN THAT WAY!!

The Giver

Have you read this book? It's one of my all time favorites.....I have many. I read this several years ago when Zack had to read it for school. It's so thought provoking and just a good read!
Imagine my excitement when it was announced that North Star will be doing The Giver for their One Act Play this year. One Acts are a very big thing here in Nebraska. I wonder if they are anywhere else?? The kids compete at different festivals around our area and then they compete in a district competition and if they win at districts they go on to State....it's all very exciting. Last year WE (North Star) won at STATE!! Aaron, Megan, Matthew and I were able to go and it was all so awesome!

It's been kind of a joke in our home that Zack is always cast as an old man....so it's no surprise, but still so thrilling that he has been cast as The Giver!! I know he'll do such a great job!! Josh and Megan will be in the ensamble....it promises to be a great show! I truly can not wait to see it!!

VALA'S PUMPKIN PATCH

Thanks to Nebraska Emergency Medicine we were able to go to Vala's Pumkin Patch for free! Unfortunately the older boys and dad were not able to attend with us. All in all it was a fun night...besides the fact that Joe was the most hyper I've ever seen him (and that is saying ALOT). At one point I looked over and he was doing the splits in front of some random women....when I called him over to me he told me he just had to show them. Then on the hayrack ride we (meaning the entire brood riding on our wagon) were serenaded by Joe to the lovely song by B.O.B. ,Airplanes...you have probably heard it....I could really use a wish right now a wish right now a wish right now..... Well, we all heard Joe's version of it. Matthew and Joe also fought the whole time......but when we got into the van to go home I had many thank you's and "that was the best night ever!"....so I guess it was a great success, even if it was rather stressful for me.

When we first got there....you can already see that Joe was on one.

Joe having his hot dog.

Me and My Girl.

Megan was almost too cool to be seen with us.

Matthew and Joe roasting marshmallows.

Notice Joe's marshmallows are on fire...

I think he was pretty proud of those burned marshmallows.

The kids with Homer...for some reason my camera kept picking up every bit of dust in the air!

We saw bunnies...so cute!

Hannah and Joe rode trikes around a trail....it was hard to get them to leave this spot.

On the hayrack ride.

Hannah wearing the evidence of the yummy cotton candy.

Hannah found a pumpkin just the perfect size for her....my rule, you have to be able to carry your own pumpkin....

Matthew found a good one.

Joe is about to give birth.....

To a beautiful bouncing baby...pumpkin!

Isn't it a BEAUT??!!

Everyone had a grand time....

Something Happy

I had my fifth weigh in yesterday and I've lost a total of 12 lbs....YAY!

Lately

I haven't felt much like writing....life is just feeling so stressful to me and I feel like I'm failing in my mom duties. Working full time is hard....I miss just being a housewife and mother. I think my kids miss it too. I sometimes wonder if all this hullabaloo with Joseph is because of me, because I don't spend enough time with him. Hannah is so attached to me lately and anytime I leave the house without her when she's home (or awake) she clings to me and has to be pryed from my leg....it truly makes me feel so bad. I often wonder if my teens get enough time with me. I miss my family and friends. I miss being in a place where I have so many to lean on in hard times. I have been hating that I can't give my kids trips to New York with their drama department, or pay for their college or buy them backpacks or give them gas money. I've been hating that we don't have a nice house or live in a nice neighborhood or have nice things. I have been so sick of all the struggling.....I've just been so tired....so weary from all the stress. Then I read this quote the other day......

At the center of our agency is the freedom to form a healthy attitude toward whatever circumstances we are placed in!

Elder Neal A Maxwell
(thanks Michelle...I read this in the book you sent me)

And that was a moment for me....one of those aha moments and it hit me that I needed to SNAP OUT OF IT! So, I'm going to try harder...I'm going to look for the good. I'm going to make a conscience effort to find happy moments and to laugh more. I'm going to be more friendly and stop isolating myself so much. I'm going to remember that "this too shall pass". I'm going to take more pictures and play more with my kids. I'm going to try my hardest to be "in the moment" and stop worrying so much....about the "what ifs". Life is hard but there's no reason why it can't be wonderful too.......

WW Update

7 lbs down! Whoopedee Whooo Hooo! And I'm down a size....yay!

Now I just need to get a good groove going with exercising. I'm working full time M-F from 1130pm til 8am and I just haven't figured out where to fit it in....I sleep while the kiddies are in school.....then time to get up and pick up from school and do all the mom type things.

I really do love WW...and would recommend it to anyone and everyone! It really is working...I'm losing around 2lbs a week just by eating less and eating more good for you things.....and the best part is that I can still have ice cream and donuts if I want to use my points for that....and I sure have!

Grandad

My dad came for a visit. He came to see the kids and to see North Stars play, Cinderella. It was soooo good to see him and to spend time with him! I was so glad he could see our actors in person instead of just on DVD. He spoiled us all rotten while he was here. He's a wonderful dad and I really love him so much! Thanks a ton DAD! You are awesome!

I'm very bummed that this one turned out so blurry.....

Grandad and the thespians after the play. Oh....also, Josh is a singer...he has a lovely voice and surprised many.....we had people coming up to us saying "I didn't know Josh could sing!" and we said "Neither did we!!!" Megan and Zack were very entertaining!

Our Jedi

On Sunday I chatted on the phone with my new VT (Visiting Teacher, a church thing). She is also involved with Primary (Sunday School for the kiddies) and she told me the cutest story about Joe. They were playing some kind of beanbag game and the object was to toss the beanbag and hit a target of some sort. Well, when Joe had his turn he tossed the beanbag and it hit the target and he exclaimed "YES!!! I KNEW I COULD DO IT!!!
I USED THE FORCE!!"

Weight Watcher Update

I'm liking it....I lost 2.6 lbs my first week...woo hoo!

ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR THE DAY

Made cupcakes and managed to NOT lick the bowl!! Or eat the frosting.....

Some Stuff

*Hannah is recovering splendidly! She says it doesn't hurt at all anymore and she's back to her fun, cute self. She is back to loving on me and giving me hugs and kisses all the time....I just love it, for one day, I know, she will be a teenager and those things will be a fond memory. The best part of all is that there was no cancer...just a bad egg....hee hee....

*Joe is doing so well in school! No calls from the principal thus far....*fingers crossed and knock on wood* He likes his teacher but misses his kindergarten teacher so much. He begged and begged and we finally went to see Miss Steele on Friday...he hugged her three times! And afterwards told me he loved her more than me and when I told him that made me sad he told me "okay...I love her the same amount as you". Okay...now I feel better...*hmph*

*Matthew is liking his new school...until night time and then he doesn't like it anymore. I've not figured that one out yet....I think he's just tired and needs to go to bed. He's making new friends and still playing the saxophone. It's nice that he can ride his bike or walk....no more long drives to take and pick up kids! Woo hoo!

*Zack, Josh and Megan are getting ready to perform in their school play, Cinderella. My dad is coming all the way from California to see it. Yay! I think Megan is liking high school....she isn't a big sharer (and have I mentioned she doesn't like hugs and kisses).

*Josh got a job at Raising Canes....it's somewhat like Chick-fil-A....just chicken sold there and the best dinner toast EVER!!! YUM!!

*We have a crazy neighbor. He called the cops on us because "we are transmitting messages to his house". WHAT!!???? The Police just wanted to warn us...warn us of what is still undetermined....is he just crazy or violent too? I saw one of the police officers last night while I was working in the ER...he was bringing some other individual in to visit us....I asked him if we should worry about our neighbor hurting anyone, his response...."As long as I've known him he's never hurt anyone".....after he left I wondered.....how long has he known him? A week?

*I joined Weight Watchers....now I'm watching my weight.....I'm 5 days in...weigh in is on Friday. It's not as hard as I thought it would be and I even think it's kinda fun...is that weird? I wonder how many points I'd have to use to have some of that dinner toast??

*I will leave you with some evidence of what happens when a four and six year old get a hold of the camera....

"The Mass"

Our girl has been sick...so sick! As I spoke of last time...she threw up all day Sat and Sun. We went to the ER where she had an IV....she seemed to be better the next day. I took her to our family Dr., whom I love....(not like that....) and he agreed that she seemed better. The next morning the girl showed up next to my bed doubled over in pain. I took her to the bathroom...isn't that what any mom would do? She SCREAMED in pain! She has a UTI...thought I. I took her in again to our lovely Dr. Rector. He tested her urine....which was not fun to get from her I tell you....it took a LONG time! That girl is pretty stubborn! No UTI. "Perhaps Appendicitis" said Dr. Rector. It was off to Bryan East for a CT Scan. It was lots of time in a waiting room having her drink a "yucky drink", two cups of it! She spent the entire time curled in a ball on my lap....I asked for a fan...as I was so HOT....but they did not have one....bummer. It turns out that a CT Scan involves having an IV....and Hannah is not a fan of those so when the time came to have that...you can imagine...it took three of us to hold her down while she screamed at the top of her lungs "TAKE IT OUT OF ME!!".

Hannah just sitting around...that's all she wanted to do.

In the waiting room at Radiology....just wanting to be in my arms.

The "yucky drink".

In the CT Scan.

Well, after the CT Scan I sat with her for longer in the waiting room....waiting....isn't that why it's called "the waiting room"? Finally....I got a call from Dr. Rector....her appendix is fine....But...just so you know, I was not ready for this "but". They found a mass. A mass? Like a tumor!???". yes, a mass, they found it next to her colon...they are not sure what it's attached to, maybe her ovary? She's 4! How could this be? She'll need to have surgery, it needs to be removed and he promised to call me in the morning with an appointment with a pediatric surgeon at Childrens Hospital in Omaha. I went home in a daze...

The next morning Dr Rector called and said the soonest we could get in was next Thursday the 2nd of Sept. We waited til Thursday the 27th....I called and said she can't wait...she's in so much pain....so our Dr. said go to the ER at Childrens...they'll have to see you. So we went.....now I have to tell you that our girl began singing on the ride to Omaha...we hadn't heard any singing since before Saturday. I wondered if we should even be taking her...she seemed better....glad I didn't listen to myself. We took her...they took many many ultra sound pictures labeling many of them "the mass".....then came back to take some more....then took us back to our ER room....then came and got us again, now the radiologist wanted to do the ultra sound herself...I knew this could not be good....and it wasn't. The "mass" was not attached to her ovary...it WAS her ovary! Now a surgeon came to speak with us. He is so nice and so gentle with Hannah....I love him (not that way!!). His name is Dr. Cusick and if you ever need a pediatric surgeon in Omaha...he's your guy! He explained that for some reason they believed Hannah's fallopian tube had twisted around and cut off the blood supply to her ovary. They would need to do surgery right away and hope they could repair it...if not they would need to remove it. Our girl was prepped for surgery right then....she seemed to be feeling so much better....I asked why this was and Dr. Cusick explained that her ovary had probably already "died" and now she didn't have as much pain...but he wouldn't know til he got in there.....turns out he was right. The surgery took around an hour and a half....Aaron and I waited in the waiting room...where else???...this time it was the surgery waiting room. Dr. Cusick came out to tell us the surgery was done. Hannah did very well...they had to remove her right ovary along with her fallopian tube...she still has one ovary and fallopian tube that look good...so she can still have children. Why does this happen? Well, there's a possibility there's a tumor in her ovary and the blood supply was cut off to kill it....our bodies are smart. But, we are not going there yet....the pathology report comes back some time next week....not going worry about that unless we have to.

She was so happy before surgery...smiling and cute....not so much after. She was yelling and screaming and even shoved a nurse while yelling at her "GET AWAY FROM ME!". We were hoping to go home on Friday...but we went home Saturday instead. She had a hard time at first, she couldn't hold food down and they had trouble managing her pain but now she's recovering nicely and is having some pain but is able to play and have fun.

She's singing again! We're so happy to have her home and back!

In the ER at Chilrens Hospital...that's her new kitty, flowers, the ultra sound tech gave it to her and it it quickly became her favorite thing in the world.

Dr. Cusick "signed" her tummy and then let her have the pen...she was so glad to have it and after the surgery asked, well screamed, "WHERE'S MY PEN!".

the autograph

The last picture taken before surgery.

The first picture taken after surgery...she was swollen and itchy....I think it was from the morphine...that's what morphine does to me.

Watching Cinderella, this is what calmed her down...Cinderella is her favorite princess....she told me she really wanted to go to Disneyland but she didn't know how to get there and then she started to cry.....drugs will do that to you.......I told her maybe we can go when she's 5. She was worried that it would be a very long walk....I assured her we'd either drive or go on a plane.....she was excited to think about riding on a plane and told me she could watch a movie on the plane.

This is pretty much how she looked the first night....either that or crying that "my tummy hurts"

The first night...now I think she was watching The Little Mermaid....after that I turned off the TV and she slept til she had to go potty and then she cried all the way to the bathroom...in the bathroom and all the way back to her bed...poor baby girl.

This was the view out the window...it really was so cool...we were on the 4th floor. I didn't sleep much the first night....I was worried.

The next day she looked like this alot or she was crying....so it was decided another night would do her good.....I went home to get a shower and new clothes and Aaron stayed with her.

When I came back from Lincoln...I found this...a happy girl feeling better....yay! Joe and Matthew came back with me....we went down to the lobby to get our girl walking!

Joe Matthew and Hannah

They have a little "river" in the lobby.

They had fun throwing coins in and making wishes....Hannah told me she wished she was a "real princess". I told her she was my real princess.

Our happy girl!

The daytime view from our room.

Feeling good!

They had a lovely play room there...she was very excited to go in there!

A view finder!

She loved playing with all the "food". She made me many meals. She also loved playing Dr. with her dad....they even let her bring toys back to her room to play with.

Now here's the graphic photos.