Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Trials of Faith

After my grandma died in November 06. I began to doubt my faith. I really thought I would still be able to feel her spirit and I just didn't. I tried and tried and I just didn't. It was the hardest time of my life and that's saying a lot considering my wild teenage years. I still went to church but I just felt kind of dead inside. During this hard time I got this wild idea that I wanted a tattoo...I debated this in my head for almost a year and I finally gave in and got one. To say now that I regret it is partly true. But, now that it's there it is a reminder to me that my testimony is fragile and I must continually feed it....It has been hard and I continue to struggle to this day but I heard somewhere that you have to "fake it, til you make it". I know in my heart that I'm where I need to be. I know Heavenly Father loves me even when I'm a dink. Each Sunday I go to church and I feel my faith growing again. I miss my grandma more than words can say....I think of her everyday and I still get teary eyed sometimes. I have to believe that I will get to be with her again someday and she will tell me stories of what she's been doing and learning. In the meantime I will continue to miss her and I will honor her memory by being the best person I can be.

My tattoo is on my foot...it's a small blue butterfly.

10 comments:

Lia said...

I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling. It's not like you to keep things in.

NatNeedham said...

I am sorry that you have been struggling. I lost my best friend a year ago, and I can't wait for when I can remember her and be happy for the good times instead of it hurting because I miss her so much. Keep strong! The gospel is the source of peace and happiness!

G Luv (no relation to the actual G Love) said...

Your Grandma must have been a very special person-this is a nice tribute to her. I think we all have felt that lack of testimony at some point. Thanks for sharing. Angie

Jacque said...

I know the feeling you are speaking of, I think everyone goes through this. I'm proud that you keep doing what you know is right. Sometimes I feel like the only thing that keeps me going is my kids, without them I don't know where I'd be today.

j&m said...

I am proud of you for being open! I hope it doesn't sound clinical but there are lots of times where I have talked to people (and for myself) that the pain of something shouts louder than the quiet of spiritual things.......sometimes the pain just has to quiet down in time and then you can hear what has been there underneath. You are beautiful! m

Kim said...

Thank you my friends...as Lia says it is not like me to keep things in. I'm usually quite the open book. I appreciate your words of comfort and wisdom...thanks again!

Alisa said...

I hope you don't mind that I deleted my previous comment. After I knew you had read it, I wasn't really comfortable leaving it on. Besides, M of J&M said it so much better! :)

Kristi said...

Well I think it sounds like a very cute tatoo. I hope things get better and your heart heals.

Harried hairdresser said...

We are all stronger than we think we are. Sometimes we have to go through trials to appreciate the blessings we have. I am sorry you were struggling so much, I had no idea. I am glad you are feeling better and you could have done much worse than a tattoo. I'd like to think that on the occasions that my loved ones just seem to come to my thoughts they are closer than what we know.

~Michelle Schafer said...

I have to say that I completely identify with the comment you made about feeling dead inside. I know that feeling.

I have to say that when I feel that "deadness", the one thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that no matter what happens, Jesus Christ will make everything right. I know that everything will be okay, if not today, then someday. That is something I am sure about.

I have to say that I truely wish that I had a grandmother that I was so close to. She is such a wonderful, grand lady.


I agree with Alison that it could have been worse. You are still trying. That says a lot.