Wednesday, March 28, 2012

I'm still here

When I go back and read my blog I feel so glad I've kept one. So, glad there's so much of my life in writing. Then I go through these dry spells where I can't think of anything to write about. I suppose I've been in a sort of funk.....which seems to be a trend with me. I've been struggling...with many things but mostly with me and who I am right now. I'm not happy with me. I need to make changes...again.....and I want the changes to stick this time! I want to be a stronger, healthier me. I want to be more organized and more happy, and I know those two things go hand in hand. I want to be a more spiritual woman. Sometimes I feel like a fake me....different on the outside than I am on the inside...and I wonder do others feel this others have to feel so deeply and analize everything to death??

I was telling my sister (whom I miss so very very much) that I must have some seriously bad karma going trials seem more than I can take these past couple months. She, being the wonderful woman she is, assures me that I do not have bad karma. Then I look and I see that there are many! My kids are healthy and happy...mostly :) We do not live on the streets, we are provided for. I have family who love me and care deeply for me.

Here's the other thing that's been oh so hard. My kids are growing up! They don't need me like they used to. I remember when they were so little and I was their world and now, I'm not. I know it's how it has to be and it's a good thing...but it's sad too, ya know? I still have little ones but I miss the big ones being little ones. Sometimes I feel bad for the littles....they don't have the young spunkier mommy the older ones had...I miss her too.

It's time to buck up and keep on keeping on....something that is truly hard for me sometimes.


Lia said...

Good to see your still here! I don't log on to the blog that often either, but when I do I try to do a lot of catching up! Both writing and reading!

I'm sorry you've been in a funk. I understand missing you little kiddos that just adore their mom! When Nik leaves for his mission in just over 10 months, I'll only have Kowhai at home. :( I'll probably end up spoiling the heck out of her.

Hang in there. Your kids are truly doing great things from what I can tell. Enjoy their successes, their mom helped them become who they are!

Julie said...

Oh, gosh, we all go through that. Wondering who we are and how to become who we want to be. It seems to be the trial we, as women, are given.
I feel so old lately. When I saw that it was Zach's birthday, I thought, Holy Crap! Remember when he and Adam were kindergarteners together? Sadie is turning 16 and going to Prom. It's so weird. I miss them being small, but then, I'm grateful for their independence because it gives me independence. Keep you chin up. Know that you have friends who love you lots!