INSECURITIES

I'm planning a trip to Utah.  I'm always so happy to go for a visit but this time I'm dreading seeing my friends.  I guess I should reword that.....I'm dreading my friends seeing me.  Working overnights has definitely taken it's toll on me in the last three years.  I've gained 25 lbs.  I seem to have so many more wrinkles on my face. and I just look and feel worn out so much of the time.   For several weeks I was working alot of overtime.  Now that's over but I'm still so sleep deprived.  I work Mon-Fri 1130pm til 8am.  Joseph is in a play this summer and his rehearsals are daily at 1pm.  Which means I go home from work, get to sleep at around 830-900am and then have to get up at 1230pm to get him the playhouse.  I go home and try to go back to sleep (I'm not always successful) and then I'm up again at 330pm to go get him.  I'm usually so tired that by the time Aaron gets home at 6pm I'm ready for a nap before I do it all over again.  I feel so guilty that I'm not the mom and wife I really would like to be.  I've thought about trying to find a position working during the day but then I wouldn't be able to take Joe to rehearsals or do any of the other things I can do because of my schedule, like volunteering at the high school and occasionally taking kids to the Dr during the day.  There are so many pros to working overnights and the one really BIG con is the sleep deprivation.  I would love to start going to the gym again but finding a good time to go seems so impossible.  The evenings are always so busy and then there's dinner...who wants to go to the gym right after eating?  I know my friends and family love me for me and not for my looks.....I need to work on feeling the same way about myself.  So, to Utah I go and I hope I get to visit my friends and family andI hope they won't notice how much of me there is to see.